While sharing with Sandra Lowen in "A Conversation in Black and White," I realized that I had started to talk about a powerful experience I had at Project Phoenix but didn't finish. I mentioned to her some of my experience of resentment but not the incredible resolution I had while there, coincidently, with the very person my resentment was aimed at. So I went to my archives and found the written transcript I had put down at the time. It's my hope that people can find it valuable. Its not my intention to demonize anyone but to show how its possible to disclose the pain in your heart authentically without going out of integrity, and finding healing in the process.
Project Phoenix Weekend Retreat
August 2018
This weekend I had the opportunity to attend a Project Phoenix workshop in Seattle. It was a deep and meaningful opportunity to gain authentic internal communication skills as well as an invitation to begin, on the spot, to process long buried issues that we carry around with us. This was organized in a casual but sacred environment created with the help of the Phoenix Project staff who came using the language of process and restorative love. I especially liked that they did not mention ‘forgiveness’ directly but focused on authentic self-disclosure and listening with an emphasis on respecting the individual person’s right to be heard. This is significant because when we rush to repentance and forgiveness without authentic disclosure, we often miss the vital steps of speaking our truth and draining the poisons from our emotional wounds.
I was invited to the event by my long time friends John and Sandra Lowen. As soon as I got to the event, I recognized a person that I had not seen in 25 years, towards whom I held deep and abiding resentments. I have made a lot of effort over the years to resolve issues that may come up with other people and not harbor grudges. Nevertheless, this was a difficult one from the past. Seeing this was on my plate I determined to be open to restoration of the relationship.
I want to briefly share here the steps I took to address this resentment while at the workshop and how I was supported in this task by the safe environment created there.
My biggest struggle was I felt completely justified in my resentment as this person had, to my mind, gone out of their way to hurt me (and by extension my family) misusing their position in our church to do so. What made it difficult over the years for me to actively surrender my resentment was the fact that this person wasn’t around in my day to day life anymore so the feelings were simmering in the surface, buried but not forgotten, for many years.
As is often the case with resentments alive and well, just seeing this person instantly brought up the old feelings of rage and pain as well as guilt, since I knew full well that I was not blameless in the relationship. However, I also saw indications that this person had grown and suffered in their own path and was loved by others. I even overheard one woman exclaim to my nemesis at the beginning of the workshop. “I am so glad I came, if only to see you again!” It was clear that this person has been actively investing in the lives of others in a positive way.
So, my head knew that surrendering my "han" (a Korean word for heartache or a form of grief or resentment) was overdue, yet my heart wanted to be heard—I wanted to speak my truth.
After the Friday session I tried to sleep in preparation for the main workshop day but I lay awake for hours stewing in my indignation. But I resolved that I would create the environment to express my feelings in a way that respected this other person’s space. I sought out a couple who was neutral to the situation and confided my intention to open communication for the purpose of emotional process. I felt their support and so when the opportunity arose I approached the person and asked to speak with them.
We made the time to talk and I expressed that I had unresolved resentments and asked if I could voice these lower self-feelings. They were willing to hear me out. I shared my anger, trying to speak truthfully and not exaggerate but letting the feelings come out. Within a few minutes I felt genuinely heard. This person did not remember things exactly the same way I did, but then, they were not stewing in these particular old issues for 25 years like I was! As quickly as that I felt the weight lifted and we were able to laugh a bit and talk about the value of this work for healing in our movement. Later, I was able to briefly testify to the group.
I am very grateful to be able to let go of this toxic poison in my life, for myself and because I don’t want to inherit it to the next generation.
So many people in the Project Phoenix weekend retreat shared deep and painful issues in an environment of trust and confidentiality. I feel this is what we are called to do, to address the process that comes up in our lives. As church members, when someone rubbed us the wrong way we were encouraged to pray for them to ‘restore’ the relationship. I think that was an accurate assessment because in some ways we have inherited the resentments of the past and when we can work through them as brothers and sisters we are substantially creating Chung Il Guk (Heaven in our midst), as well as substantially liberating those who came before but could not find their voice or could not be heard.
The tools are available to us and I know our DEEP Origin material can help anyone seriously seeking to uncover unresolved wounds as well, be they current conflicts or long buried history.
To me it’s all about finding a realm of freedom in dynamic relationship.
Learn more about Project Phoenix here: http://projectphoenixusa.com/
Or watch a short video intro here: https://vimeo.com/427951148
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